Welcome to the Blog space! Here I'll be implementing a blog-style update on life & thoughts here periodically. Bear with me whilst I figure out how to formally code a blog into this space
In this second post, I'd like to explore the idea of "fantasy" and "reality", and the link between them. In my recent post I discussed the idea of being "entranced and involved with fantasy" juxtaposed with finding the real and raw in life beautiful.
What I mean by that, is that there's reflections of fantasy that permeate all throughout life. You can find the magic and symbolism of your favorite fantasy archetype, or attributes of a class you play as in D&D or an MMO, in the very actions of your day-to-day life. I've especially started to notice the stories we tell ourselves, in myth and in storytelling proper, reflect something real about the way we exist in the world, and feel about the world. This may be a basic observation, but one that came up when I was grappling with playing video games. After growing up with so much time, especially developmental time, dedicated to video games, how would I come to terms with the fact that, maybe while others were out gaining skills or making memories with friends, I was inside, playing video games? Was I drawn to them out of a pure dopamine-rush addiction, or was there something more there? Did I find an experience that had deeper, symbolic meanings to the way I view the world, rather than just a time sink as a "loser" with no other options?
In taking on this question, first I asked myself why do I feel this way in the first place. In modern contexts, playing video games as a pasttime is something now only seen as somewhat mainstream, or socially acceptable. Back in the day (and now I'm really making myself sound old), I can recall a time playing video games made you ostricized, someone outside of society, who dedicated their life to "fantasy worlds" and something seen as akin to being what would be chronically online at that time, especially when it came to dedicating yourself to MMOs, which was an activity I was quite fond of in those developmental years of my youth. I think I quite enjoyed the experience of being able to design yourself exactly as you had yourself in your head, and enter the online world in that way, without any of the circumstance or preconceived notion of your appearance or attributes getting in the way of how your "soul" felt. That particularly appealed to me when the hyper-stylized "class system" of what I would come to know later as archetypes, would later develop in my head as the way I see the world. Combining your self-image with the archetype of a larger collective you gravitate towards, really gave a sense of self-acceptance, and married the two in a nice blend to form what was essentially joining a giant party as your best self, or logging into what would be your "ideal" life, which obviously would be a very attractive proposition as someone discovering themselves in a world of social chaos.
So was it a matter of escapism? Or something else entirely? I've grappled with this question as well, where you can ask yourself, is this "giving up" on real life if you choose to dedicate time into that experience, rather than facing the brunt force of the awkwardness of discovering yourself in the midst of a public that can scrutinize you for any notion that doesn't fit, or fall in line with the whole? This is where I start to get into questions of individualism versus participating in a community, both have their own usefulness, but on their own, I believe both suffer from the absence of the other. Only later in life, have I discovered that the time spent online in those communities of a "playground of the psyche" or something akin to just being free to be a soul, or a concept, really both helped and hindered the form of "real-life growth and presentation" of the self outside of online spaces. What do I mean by that? Well i'm figuring that out myself, but essentially what I'm getting at, is the avenue through which I present myself out into the world, has a certain "inner image" that is begging to come out, bursting at the seams, of artistic expression. To be clear, this is about stylistic choice of the outer self showing as creatively and passionately as my inner self. However, because of that lack of taking proactive chances in public-facing communities, or engaging in social situations where I put myself out there IRL, it prohibited that tenacity for getting out there and just "going for it". Being able to envision the parts of your self that are just a feeling, a vision, and bringing that out manifested into the real world, is a skill I'm just developing now. Instead before, it was "trends" or "looking like someone that I was inspired by". A lot of those Inspo posts you would see, or even the "pinterest mindset." Really only after going back and discovering that younger self, who expressed my inner self and the concepts I resonated with during my days as an MMO player, and bringing that self forward, mixed with the current and modern sensibilities I have about integrating into real-life spaces and showing up for yourself in person, in day-to-day life, have I integrated both of these selves into a modern mindset.
To some, that may sound like I've just discovered "how to be an artist", which I believe is a proper way to look at it. Only within the last year, did I finally open myself up to allowing myself to use the term "artist", for something I thought was reserved for those who discovered a sense of talent or creativity as a young age, and cultivated it tirelessly until it can be demonstrated in a publically-adored way. However, I've discovered that being artistic is a lifestyle. It is as much in the actions that you do as the painting you would create. It's in the way you go about life, the way you think about life, and the way you create, rather than destroy, in the actions you choose to take in your life. That, I think is the biggest change of what I've discovered as someone who was drawn to video games in my formative years. I was drawn to the creativity of seeing the world in new lights, of experiencing things that were thougth impossible, and bringing the concepts of them to life and reflecting what we feel on the inside into the outside world. And how you can symbolically manifest those things out into your day-to-day actions and daily life. And create things, as someone with empathy. I think ultimately, that's how I've come to terms with my people-pleasing nature. There was true empathy I was feeling towards others, but I also craved that empathy towards myself, but tried to give it to myself through giving it away to others, and hoping it would come back to me. "Treat people the way you would like to be treated" was the saying I always heard growing up, which many people must've heard the same thing. But in that statement, I think it leaves behind the reality that in any act of giving or selflessness, if you leave yourself behind entirely, you won't be able to continue making a difference or giving to those that really need it. So having a respectful balance is a way to carve that path forward. The question is, what comes first? Carving that path for yourself first, or for others? After hearing "You're all you've got in this world" and "You can only trust yourself", both sentiments that I'm sure mean well but can get lost in a pessimistic mindset, it's something I'm still grappling with as I think about how to establish myself as an artist, but not get wholly lost in myself and disregard others and solely focus on myself, and my ego. I think community is the answer, yet that is a whole other can of worms of navigation that I can get into, but this post is already long and I can collect my thoughts before continuing.
It's the first time I'll be writing any form of blog-style post, and i'm unfamiliar with the stylist choices of how you would write a blog post. I've grown up around blogs, and browsed a few, some that I didn't even know were blogs. However, in this style and prose, it is definitely very informal, as I'm literally writing it in code instead of on a word document and transferring it over. Maybe I should do that for the future?
Currently, I'm designing this website as a form of space, a sort of "home" on the internet, as I've seen and been inspired by the geocities/neocities movement that had and is still going on - this idea of "decentralizing" your presence on the internet (maybe that's not the proper use of the word?), but taking back the ability to present yourself within your own context - not the context assigned for you via social media algorithms.
It's an opportunity to be real - something I'm trying to do by including my own personal thoughts, and perhaps grammatical errors, as I'm still learning and in the continuous process of learning, to discover myself. I don't know if anyone reading this is feeling this way, but in case you are, I offer a symbolic hand outreached to your journey of self-discovery. Those who have people-pleased for most of their lives, who left themselves behind, somewhere far in the distant past, in return for the acceptance and fitting into the molds of others, sacrificing your own development and exploration for safety and security. Not bad things in their own right, but as it pertains to acquiring the approval of others, when maybe so little of it meant so much to a soul that was either abandoned or unaccepted in youth, I reach out to you. Those times were and are tough to grapple with. But I hope that in this blog, in this single act of defiance against a people-pleasing past, my own transparent journey of self-discovery can be illuminating for those who want to rediscover, rekindle and reawaken themselves, to bring their abandoned old (yet technically younger) selves forward with them, and become a whole being again.
As I'm on this journey myself, one thing I've realized is that there's so much hidden potential within each of us, each of us who left behind whatever it took to find that "safety" and "security", even if it sacrificed our very soul to get it. I know that for the acceptance I so cherished, that after this many years in my life, it's shown to be just another mechanism for filling a hole or gap within myself that I never let fill in naturally with self-discovery, and through interaction with organic relationships. It's not always perfect or neatly-packaged, but that's the beauty of it. That's the realness of it. And even as someone like myself, so entranced and involved with fantasy, the realness of it is what creates that connection. After living in artificiality/superficiality for so long, the messy, unkempt, yet truly raw experience of most things shines through anything that could be attained by sacrificing yourself for hollow situations and relationships.
In closing though (as it's about to turn into 12am and by that measure, the next day, which may be a superficial deadline i'm placing upon myself to get this post written), writing this has felt therapeutic, and I'd like to explore the intersection between placing yourself out there online, on places like Neocities that transmutes what was the "old internet" into championing what wasn't broken about the internet, but was left behind and replaced as a "convenience" took over, which largely just became a product, and replaced the very will we can take upon ourselves with discovering website building, curated online spaces, and presenting our souls through symbolism on this online space we call the Internet.